Copping to one's own ego . . . Posted by John on July 10, 1998 at 17:33:51:
This is the hard part.
Copping to one's own ego is one of the most difficult things in the world to do. A host of inner mental resources team up against us, to prevent us from being able to *catch on* that our own ego has been in action--especially when that action is *blatant* and other people's feelings may have been hurt. We seek in every which way to justify what we did in our own thinking.
Fortunately, we have a great example of this phenomenon in my own recent behavior. Ow!!! Well, if you had read the introductory teachings, I never said that I was a guru, or "perfect master," or that I didn't have an ego, because I do. And sometimes, like I said once, the best thing that I can be an example of is my own mistakes and errored ways "that we all can learn from and have insights around."
Here I had been *forewarned* that writing about egolessness is a *dangerous* thing to do. And I had looked at it this way and that. But there is one way above all, that one's ego can be recognized, and that is in whatever is being *blatant* ! The ego, if it is anything, is blatant.
And I have just caught on, *a couple of days late*, that what is blatant about *my life*--the truth of it, that is--has been that (I now suddenly realize!) really, really uptight piece that I wrote the other day, called "No psychedelics needed here." (I wanted to write this in 6-point type!)
That's how much my ego wanted it, folks. I would "scream everybody else in class down."
Ha! (Much embarrassment. Ow. Ow.) What do I do about it now? In the classes I teach about it (Ha!) I try to teach students how to recognize the *warning signs* that such flights of ego activity are about to go off, blatantly like that. But I didn't recognize those signs as they were going by (as I was writing about "egolessness"), and some of them surely did go by, in the realm of shadows.
Oh, gosh. This *has to have been wounding* to my brother, Perk--if only, perhaps, in embarrassment for me. Now you know why students once called me, years ago, "the nebbish dervish." Shucks, I *knew* I hadn't gotten over that yet!
I didn't catch on, either, when I next heard from you, Deirdre. In "the ego classes," (:-) I usually point out that one way to start catching on is when people start saying things like: "Whoa!" Or, "Whew!" Or, "Okay, okay . . . no . . . problem." Stuff like that, where the people we know are aware that we are going somewhat "off the deep end," and we are oblivious to it, in sleep.
GREAT BIG WIDE GRIN. ((Whoops! I realize now I may have pissed you off, Deirdre!)) I haven't had a talking to like that in ten years. ((Oh my God! I must have given that piece a zillion volts of ego crap!)) I'm sure I will "thank you for it when" ((Haw, haw. The joke here is on John! I didn't see those sardonic quote marks. Well spoken, as always, Deirdre!)) I am older SMILE. OK John and you are correct. (("*and*" you are correct!!!)) That conversation should have taken place in Campus Forum instead of Kindergarten. ((Here it comes, that warning I didn't see, lying there in the shadows as I read on in my ego.)) Not a problem at all..
Now on to the egolessness.
:-) Yes, I went right on to that . . . . and right on with my ego, as well.
Sometimes we don't catch on to our ego in activity until later, while the clues that are *right out there* keep passing us by *in the realm of shadows.*
I didn't want (there's that ego word) to face it, to have to realize in mortification that the first *fight* that we've had in this poor kindergarten was brought on by the darned kindergarten teacher's own ego! Oweeeee!
But that's here in the record now. Everybody in class knew but me, anyway. (Damn, it's *always* like that when I have to see my ego!) It's a sobering reality. It's an embarrassing reality. It's a hard reality for me to face. Yet face it I must. It's a humbling reality. Recognizing the activity of one's own ego is always a painful and humbling reality, at least when it gets real blatant like that.
How can I call myself the teacher of this class (the ego's "precious" *role* for me here!)? It's obvious and apparent-- sense of humor and all -- in the midst of an uptight situation -- the teacher has actually -- in the experiential world of *reality* -- been . . . . Deirdre. (Because the teacher is the one that sees what's going on.)
And, face it we must, that we each have one of these egos, as tough and as consternating as that is in the real world -- if we wish to live in the world of reality. Yet it's only the ego. It sure does stir up a lot of trouble *unnecessarily.* Ouch! Ooooh! I'm sorry, everybody! (Saying "I'm sorry" isn't usually very satisfying to offended parties.) I do apologize, Perk and Deirdre. I guess you can know that it's from my heart. "True egolessness"--which is where this whole discussion got started--is only a hypothetical for me. The work goes on.
I will do my best to LIGHTEN UP around here from now on, and stop makin' trouble for the rest of you kids.
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