It's good to pool our experiences of this great mystery, love. Posted by John on December 17, 1999 at 21:46:23:
In Reply to: The "Witness"~ for Michael posted by Sally on December 16, 1999 at 21:12:00:
Like I always say, again and again over the years of this school, this
class is *even better without me here coaching and lecturing every day!
And I'll tell you why that's so. Because when I am quiet for a week,
there is a sharing of experiences happening here among you. This is
much better and more powerful than one coach's voice alone. It is more
"rounded," more "balanced." It speaks up for several sides of the
issue.
Finding love, and losing love have got to be among the most mysterious
things that happen in our human experience. The more we hear of each
other's views and experiences of this, the more each of us will continue
to grow in understanding this great mystery.
Michael is hurting and looking for a way. Hoodoosuz pipes in. And
Sally, and Jeff, and . . . . . you get a pooling of experiences going
this way, that is a wonderful pool for learning in.
And I like it that there is so much *vigorous disagreement in this class
lately. In fact, I've realized that I need to add in "I agree," and "I
disagree," to the non-manipulative communications chart over in the
wheelbook! Those are *good communications to use! Yes. Agree with
each other! Disagree! Agree with me. Disagree!
Ha, Douglas, if you're here now, this must come as a surprise to you.
Here I was just spouting off in the Coach's Office the other day about
cognitive debate not being "legitimate" in this approach to coaching.
And, ha! {wide grin} A few days later and I realize I was *wrong! I
see it differently now. So . . . . . erase all of those arguments from
my blackboard, if you will, please, Sir Douglas. And have at it,
brother, bring debate into our play and discussions here again, any way
and any time you will!
"I agree." "I disagree." Remember these, Kiddees! They can express
your own truth to another person . . . . . without telling the other
person who to be!
"I disagree." (Cut!!!) You don't have to be drawn into a long argument
defending the way that you see it! And you *do have a right to get this
clear expression of your own honest experience onto the table!!!
Lydia, you were saying a week or so ago that you continue to experience
that there are two personality types battling with each other within.
This is the perfect time for me to address that. What this class is
about most fundamentally is in learning more and more often to see what
your own direct experience is. What's obvious and apparent to you, when
you wake up and see.
So if that is what you see, if that is your own experience, it *must be
true. All of you students here need to pay attention to this. This
class is not about what John, the Coach experiences. It is about what
each of you experience. So if the awareness game training says one
thing, and your own direct experience is obviously and apparently
something else . . . GO WITH YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE. That is the "inner
guide" that all of these classes are designed to cultivate in you
students.
And I can empathize, Lydia, over and over again, with how that
experience of yours *does fit so many of these sharings about life that
we have been discussing here. And that *isn't contradictory to the
awareness game. In each of us, our different personality types *do
struggle against each other, while we go along in life blindly unaware
of this.
Whether there be two, or three types in a given person, or four, or all
eight of the types we are studying here in First Grade, doesn't matter
so much as that you students begin seeing *some of it happening, before
your very eyes.
It doesn't matter what the over-all model is. That's just a kind of
"road-map" or "guide" to help you to get started observing the obvious
and apparent particulars of human behavior. What matters is that you
start being able to see *some of it happening, so that you can begin to
catch on to the interesting adventure of catching-on more and more,
every day for the rest of your lives, to what we human gorillas really
are . . . . . and what we *can be!
It's *possible that, along the way, you'll discover that there is
another primary type or two in there in the way that you live your life,
January to December, Lydia. And maybe not. The "norm" I've seen is
three, and I've seen "fours," so why not "twos," indeed? To be a
conscientious coach I ought to advise you not to "close the book" on
that one yet, and keep watching.
I can see you *are jumping in and studying and doing homework, Lydia.
I'm proud of you for that. And I really can't ask for more. So I agree
with you, mainly, in my own experiences of what you describe, and I
disagree with you only tentatively, in waiting to see what may or may
not show up later.
Suz of the Northwoods, and her equally dynamic sister, wouldn't put up
with that treatment any more, Michael. And I can't say I blame them for
disagreeing with me. They are both speaking from their own individual
experience. That's the best thing that can happen around here. And it
certainly does add a broader and clearer perspective to the over-all
discussion of the dilemma you have been brave enough to share with us
here. Yeah, you said it the other day. The sharing of difficult
experiences in life by students here is the life-blood of this class.
No apology is necessary, therefor. Yer doin' it right! (Lord knows—
heh, heh—I could fill these pages with shenanigans of my own, but I
don't wish to be the only one around here who gets insights and
understandings from the sharings of us all, as well as painful learning
experiences, perhaps, and opportunities to grow happier and become a
better person and a more mindful warrior through the sharings in our
class.)
Perhaps, in all the things I've had to say about this dilemma, I haven't
been clear enough about a few points. I understand the pain and
suffering that you and others may be going through over this. I'm most
eager to say things that might help in reducing *that!
I DON'T have any foregone conclusion about staying together or
splitting! Please understand that, whoever you are listening here, and
studying these kinds of coachings. I don't have a bias that you ought
to go one way or the other. My coaching is that you find your own way
by bringing mindfulness into the situation as much as you can . . . and
you *discover your own way . . . within you. That's what the awareness
game is all about.
Sally, I wouldn't disagree with your experiences for a minute! I don't
know the "answer" to your painful dilemma either. I understand that it
*really is a dilemma, of long, long standing. If you practiced non-
stinging-back for awhile and only got dumped on for doing that . . . . .
well, that seems to speak for itself. Time is on your side—that is, you
don't have to know what to do today, or tomorrow. It will come to you,
and you will *know it when it does. You don't have to be "hurried."
Life is very, very long—and righteously so! You have so much loving
talent to give to the world, when you finally break out onto its stage.
And you, too, Michael. You possibly don't have to be in so much of a
hurry. The holiday season is so filled with stresses and pressures and
traumatic memories for nearly all of us, already, anyway! Perhaps you
can seek to do what you can to have as peaceful and harmonious a holiday
observance around your hearth as possible, under the circumstances, and
handle it all in the new year. But, ha! That "ring move" is a dandy!
That's as fiendish a stinger as the one I gave that old lady in the
supermarket the other week! Heh-heh. I don't *know what to do about
that one. Life is *hard sometimes!
The thing I need to clarify is that, the strategies I am suggesting seem
to me to be as useful whichever way the marriage situation turns out.
Playing peace and harmony into the field is the best option, I would
say, whether or not you are divorcing. Now, in Sally's case, it didn't
"work." But she gets to see, at least, the way it is. In your case, it
may not do any real good. But if you are able to find it in your heart
and have the presence of mind to be "playing on purpose for peace," at
least, in looking over what happens mindfully, you will get to see, as
clearly as possible, the way it is.
Another way that can be useful to you is in helping you to get over what
is likely to be a "normal" share of guilt that you may feel in the way
this seems to be turning out. I've already picked up on a little "guilt
music" in your postings—not a lot, but it's there. Suz's fascinating
posting on "guilt," has had me paying a lot more attention to this
common human emotional feeling—in my own life, where Suz helped me to
recognize it—as we;; as in the the music of the lives of you students in
this class, when it happens to show up.
If you will be able to "see the way it is," Michael, you will not have
so much tendancy to be guilty about it afterwards, whichever way it
goes. But if you are going to be reacting to the whole situation as
much as you relate you have been doing, dwelling a lot in anger, and
stewing about "how really wrong" she is, then you will not be able to
heal this natural emotional feeling. Guilt is not necessary when you
really, really "see the way it is." Understanding is part of the
healing of guilt, as well as the simple aware *feeling of it (a
"worrying" stomach). (Therapists have a saying, "Guilt and anger, back
to back," and your situation shows an interesting example of this,
Michael.)
If you are certain that your wife needs psychotherapy treatment, and she
refuses to see a therapist, you might "facilitate" this by telling her
you've decided to see a therapist, and inviting her to come with you.
What that gesture would take would be a "sacrifice" of the ego-position
(even if correct!) that you are "the mentally healthy one of the two of
you." I don't doubt that you are. Even so, the best fruits of seeing a
therapist can come sometimes for the person who is not neurotic or
crazy, but only seeking to understand more about what's going on, and
seeking to grow in the realization of their own life.
Now, I need to hasten to say that I don't give a coaching like that one
because I am biased in favor of the marriage being saved. I am not.
But, the more mentally healthy she can become (and you as well, of
course), the more likely there can be a peaceful separation and divorce,
if that is what is to be coming—with the least trauma for children, as
well.
One rule of thumb that you students can apply, whenever I seem to be
biased for one outcome over another outcome in a given dispute between
people—such as this one—try to remember that the awareness game
strategies try to serve any possible outcomes equally in their
applications of peaceful and communicative moves.
Sally! I really dig the pieces you have posted on "love" and "the
witness." It seems to me that they really fill-in huge blank spaces
left by all of our previous discussions in this area in Classroom Talk.
Thanks for serving us—again and again as you do—as our resident
"Librarian," and great-teachings-finder. You've "rounded-out" our whole
perspective of "Love and the Human Gorilla" in a most beautiful and
splendid way. As I say, 'da class goes on better wid'out me!
Well, this is enough for today. I've been deliberately practicing *
slowing my life down these days. Like I allow more time than necessary
to get places I'm going, so I can drive more slowly than I usually do.
As I mentioned earlier, I think it might make life easier around here
for you students if you can understand my new practices here in
Classroom Talk . . . so you can have a "feel for the pace of it," from
my perspective, at least. Steady and casual. That's my motto. I'm
looking towards somewhat shorter responses, and maybe less frequent
responses in the new year. And yet I'm wishing to "get it all done,"
too.
I still have things to say about Lydia's sharings, and a class about
"guilt" that Suz's posting on that subject inspired. And then—I suppose
it will be a matter of "letting Nature take its course"—the holiday
season is upon us! We have to decide about "Winter Vacation." How
about that, Kiddees? I'll have to work at the ranch all the way from
Friday before Christmas until Monday after New Year's Day. During that
time, I'll be able to stop into the Coach's Office for e-mails and see
if anything is going on around our "virtual campus." As always, any of
you are free to post in Classroom Talk during vacations, as you wish . .
. and I sometimes do that here and there, as well.
Next week, I'll be able to wrap things up for this "first semester of
First Grade." It's been a great one, Kiddees!—from my point of view.
I'm proud of all of you.
Next week, I'll be going to a Solstice Observance, Wednesday evening,
for sunset-and-full-moonrise, out to Allan and Susan's Tucson Creative
Living Center. A shaman from the Tohono Oodham tribe (formerly called
Papagos) will be conducting a ceremonial. And we'll be out under the
stars in the wilderness of the Tucson Mountains there, a few miles from
where I live. I wish you all could be there with me (Doug's dream comes
to my mind). I'll remember you all when I'm out there; that's for sure.
Brent gets back into town for a visit tonight! I'm over my cold now,
and feeling excited and strong again. Little by little—steady and
casual—one old box or one dusty pile put away or thrown out at a time—my
house is turning into such a really nice place for me to spend the new
millenium in. I don't intend to miss a minute of it! (And, yes, Jeff,
starting already now!)
Remember you're in there behind those eyes.
Aloha, until next week. And then Winter Break after that.
Coach
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