Classroom Talk
Summer 2001 Archive
Fly on, Sleepwalker. Fly on . . . Posted by John on September 06, 2001 at 21:07:46:
In Reply to: Sleepwalker's Blues posted by Bruce on September 06, 2001 at 14:16:11:
In the beginning of training like this, all of us are sleepwalking zombies, Bruce. And most of the time during the days and weeks and months after
learning to practice mindfulness we go on being sleepwalking zombies, too. Gradually, if we can cultivate a liking for practicing this, waking up in
mindfulness proliferates in our lives, little by little, and we become able to just release into staying awake for longer periods of time. Also, we can get
better and better at waking up more often in the most propitious times for being awake (like when trouble is brewing). But . . . I was a sleepwalking
zombie when I fell down the stairs the other day.
The quest is not for being able at some point to be awake all of the time. That may indeed be the "product." But, until that has happened, it has no
relevance in the months-long, years-long "process" of learning to be more and more awake along the way.
If we become discouraged in the beginning, with only a little awareness in our daily life, we may never go farther than that. Finding some kind of
daily practice that you like to do is the key. Finding your own bag of fun and interesting awareness exercises to practice is the way that I'm coaching
here. And the exercises that I'm teaching are only examples! You're welcome to use them whenever you like. Yet, once you understand the basis of
what an awareness exercise is (that is, that you be awake and focused, both within and around, and keep awake that way), you can start making up
your own exercises wherever you are, on the spot, any time you wish.
All you have to do is give yourself the challenge of being awake as much as you can from the start to the finish of any activity that you choose—
walking to the mailbox and back without losing your center, even when you see what's in the box, doing all the dishes and paying attention to sounds,
smells, and feelings until you're done, driving to that stoplight way down there ahead, being aware of your hands upon the steering wheel all along
the way, and your feet on the pedals below, etc., etc., etc. If you fall asleep along the way and forget, pick it right up again when you wake up again
and remember. And try especially to be awake at the pre-selected end of the exercise.
If you forget it, and you don't wake up again until hours later, or the next day, *do not beat yourself up about it*. Acknowledge it! Laugh about it,
maybe. Know that becoming an awakened warrior is not an easy skill to develop. You are attempting to do one of the most difficult things that there
is for a human to attempt to do in this life. One of the most rewarding things, too!—or so has been my experience of it. But, it is one's perseverence
with practice, above all, that will carry one through.
Posting notes is good. That's like going to a Polynesian temple with carved statues of the gods all around. All these reminders are saying to you:
"Wake up in there! I know you're in there behind those eyes!" Pictures of the Buddha ("the Awakened One") are saying that, too! Pictures of Jesus.
I remember long, long ago, Jeff got a random bell for wake-up purposes in a computer program he found. Each of us has to find our own ways to
remind us to start waking up in the beginning of training, our own "alarm clocks," as Gurdjieff put it.
I'm grateful to you, for your efforts here, too, Bruce. It's gonna take time. If you have a heart for practice, you will see progress through your
efforts. And I *don't* mean frenetic practice. Don't make a grind out of it. Take it easy along the way. And *be steady*. Be steady in small
increments of practice. That's better than trying to go too fast.
I don't see anything for you to be ashamed of so far, by the way. Yet ashamed you say you are. So be it. Sometimes I'm ashamed, too. Do you feel a
blush on your face when you are being ashamed? That's *the actual shame*, those palpable sensations of it that you can feel there when shame is
happening. However, traveling right along with your shame is another side of things that I notice, being a coach. I notice what you are actually
saying and doing in your participation in this class. This work that you are doing around here, right from the start, frankly, Bruce, is purely terrific!
Like Rakesh, who arrived recently, you seem to be ready to go with what we are doing around here, and, both of you, already doing it, indeed! — I
bring this up not to flatter you, Bruce, but to invite you to *look on both sides of the question* of what you are feeling ashamed of here.
For instance, look over the "game-tape" of your Thursday post, "Who is the Newcomer? What is his Dilemma?". It starts out:
>I'll take you up on the notion
Look at that great energy there! You are leaping into action. And with no more data than the Thumbnail Sketches of the Personality types, you were
able to do some really excellent Self-observation. I agree with the insights you are spotting there in your previous posting! You seem to have a knack
for that. Keep watching for a few weeks, and see which of these prove to be confirmed as the most common types for you in your ongoing everyday
life.
>The healer/kind helper component came out and tried to offer some balm so everything would be Ok among the family members.
Haw! That's a good one! See? The question to ask is "What is the person doing here?" And you have applied that with a surgeon's scalpel.
>My player/judge compnent wanted to tell you the RIGHT way to go about this work.
Double booya! (a Northwoods cheer!). I liked all the things you've spotted here, but that's the one that stood out most for me, the first time. That's
what had the most impact for me in reading your previous post. I thought, well let's see if Bruce can catch-on to *that one*, with the (heh-heh)
diagnostic equipment he has at his disposition. {rascally grin}. And you did, by golly! Here you had just popped up in our midst, and already you
were re-arranging the curriculum and the textbooks. Heh-heh. I don't mind, of course. It's only all-so-human personality. As you *realized*, it's the
Judge with that re-arranging disposition, only wanting, after all, to "get it right." Heh-heh.
So, with so much truly excellent work on your Self as this—in your first days on the job, so to speak—so much *distinguished* insight and recognition
as this . . . . . isn't it interesting—ironic, even—that you should be traveling along with shame?
I don't mean to say "Deny the shame," because it's *there*. As long as it's there, it's part of the real world, so I say awarely include the palpable
experience of it in! But, it would be fair of you to wonder now and then, Bruce, if that shame actually reconciles with the real world and the real you
living there. Or is it, perhaps, . . . . . irrelevant . . . . . superfluous, at least?
There's a difference between humility and shame. Being humble is when you realize you have collected some real limitations in this life. Being ashamed
is when you believe you are unworthy. So I'm taking the liberty of shaking that possible belief in you, a little bit, Bruce. I hope I am not being out of
line. You are not unworthy. In only a few days here in our class, you have demonstrated that you are not unworthy, beyond a shadow of a doubt.
So by all means, let us all be humble. That's essence. That's a natural talent that all of us are served by cultivating, if we haven't got it born into us
already. Being ashamed is personality. It's going too far. Being humble is *enough*! Realizing you make mistakes, realizing the limits you've collected,
is enough! Being ashamed, thinking you are unworthy, is going too far.
We live in a trial and error world. Mistakes are being made all the time by everybody. There are more mistakes than things done right—as all the
pundits will tell you on television. All of us are guided by our mistakes, to try again in a new way. That's all natural. It's okay. Being ashamed is
taking the mistakes you make *personally*. You don't have to take it personally. All these mistakes that *all of us make*, are just "the road we
normally walk on," moving right on through.
>I'm usually a look before you leap type of guy (Enneagram 5 with a 4 wing) so for me to just wing it for me was a testimony to relying on the strength and will power of my essential self.
Fly on, Sleepwalker! Fly on!
Coach
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