Classroom Talk
Fall 2001 Archive
Re: Mindfully acknowledging realities of the ordinary human process. Posted by Deirdre on October 19, 2001 at 07:19:01:
In Reply to: Mindfully acknowledging realities of the ordinary human process. posted by John on October 18, 2001 at 23:37:46:
Hi All: John thanks for taking so much time to explain this all to me.
I have had it explained to me before and I can be very "aware" of my
feelings and give better responses for myself and others with
everything but anger. By the way I had no problem with your bringing
Perk into the conversation. I am struck with one paragraph where you
describe your anger expressed by the facial expression of an ape or a
monkey. Sort of bringing it into now.. but I am also confussed by the
recent accounts of psychologists and awareness persons saying that
expressing anger, by say pounding on a pillow is not good for you and
does nothing to eleviate the anger. Isn't your monkey face the same
thing? Any expression of anger into the world is dangerous -- I
suspect that the monkey face was not good for you, though it may have
been less dangerous to you than "holding" the anger. This is why I am
confussed. I have many meditation practices where I can truly "see"
anger but after the breathing into the anger though there is relief at
that particular moment it is very difficult to take away from that true
relief. In other words the moment that I am free of the meditative,
awareness state the feelings return. And I guess this is were I am
stuck on your teachings. I can take awareness a long way when it is
applied to other feelings.. but perhaps in certain individual there are
sparks that are more difficult (with me - anger) than others to
extinguise.
As for the pent up anger, well of course it is there, but that is WHAT
I have been trying to work on for years. All the exercises, all the
excellent meditative practices, all the insights (and there has been
MUCH) don't seem to produce "true relief" or "high relief".. or at
least they don't work for extended periods of time -- for me..
I would love to be free of the feelings of guilt and anger.. and I
consider myself a very aware individual these days.. but anger and
guilt they are the subborn ones in my life.. I guess there are no real
magic bullets just more practice, and more practice.
I have found so many beautiful experiences by being aware that I look
forward to being fully "aware" of anger so that I can experience it in
a new, less dangerous way.. but first I have to convince myself it is
less dangerous.. to this ego.
Best
Deirdre
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