Winter 2002 Archive
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Funny this subject came up!Forgiveness abused?? Posted by Suz on January 16, 2002 at 10:41:52:
I know I don't post often but as the subject of forgiveness is being
explored I felt I had to add something!Everything you all said was
absorbed by me and I am greatful for all your insights, it made me
I have been having a lot of forgiveness issues in the last 2 months as
seemingly,I have lost my usually soft hearted attitude for several
"friends" that I have been putting up with for years and years!
Good friends always have tiffs,and are always forgiven,on my end too so
I am not being one sided here;but,I have had the most peaceful feelings
with myself and my family the last few months, as I have changed my
attitude for some reason on constantly forgiving several people; that
have been taking advantage of me and my families loving nature and never
Many times in the past we have had to deal with problems of friends
bringing much strife to our own lives,unhappiness, and every other
negative feeling!Thats what friends are for right!
But where does the line run where foregiveness and self torture meet!
After yet another terrible thing brought into our home by troubled
"friends" actually 2 incidences,we sat down had a heartfelt family
discussion and decided that we were tired of people we love and try to
help, bringing so much negativity into out home and lives!
We still love these people but after examining it came to the
realization that their problems are always expected to be solved by us
and after some drunken confessions from 2 of them realized they
deliberately bring it to us simply because they are both jealous of our
They have other friends but because we are such a happy loving family,
comments made by both of these people reflected that; they felt we
deserved some of their pain and deserved to feel guilty for being
relatively happy and these people both actually hate us for that deep
Misery loves company??Well thats pushing it to the extreme for sure but
while one of these people were saying some things in our living room we
all; me my husband and my daughter all looked at each other like it
was the first time this person ever said anything meaningful and
honest!It suddnly dawned on us why we are the preferred shoulders to
That is what got us into the conference room!We all were suddenly out
of sleep and seeing things clearly for the first time on a level with
all 3 of us being AWAKE!
Could this be real?Can we harden our hearts,end this strife and not feel
guilty for eliminating this constant bullshit from our happy lives?Can
we do this without it guilt tripping us to death?
YES WE CAN
Yes we can
It came down to us deciding that we cant save the world and that we
needed to preserve our own lives ,intact, feeling no guilt or remorse
for eliminating the constant guilt trip these 'FRIENDS' bring to us!
It would be different if we had even a few pleasant moments with these
people but realizing that the only time they both ever come to us is
when they want to off their pain on us!It was a harsh thing for us to
realize!Talk about "fair weather friends".As we discussed things, In
almost 20 years of friendship could not think of ONE pleasant visit from
either of these people!
The next question ; how to end it all without feeling guilty about it?
We have to preserve ourselves!Can we do this without it raining on our
consciences for weeks months even years!There must be a way!
It was clear!
I always call them up after a few weeks and they always act as though
nothing has happened!They cry and apologize etc etc!They realize we dont
need that shit in our lives!
Well it is short lived and the in sincerity of this false apology comes
to light the next time they invade us without thought and put us all
through another mind fuck!
Usually they both feel like WE owe them an apology, as most of the time
my quiet husband asks them to leave after hours and hours of being
berated by them and then they both is whats weird try to pick fights
with us!So the "let me cry on your shoulder thing" and then "let me
slap you in the face for it" attitude always insues!
After coming to our family agreement I have in short let them both
know that our friendship has to end!My family and I are no longer going
to put up with your abuse we love ya but cant live this way any
longer!We have NO MORE FORGIVENESS in our hearts for you!
This is sad but true!
Where did the forgiveness go!
Was it used up and tossed aside like an empty roll of toilet paper?
Well it was the hardest thing we ever had to do but we discussed it
again the other night after some time has passed now;Me and my family
all agree that giving up forgiveness in these cases was the only way
out !We are all not feeling guilty for it and I guess the peace and
happiness we have again without the constant threat of it being
shattered at any moment,was the answer to our life long dilemma!
We all decided: I am not gonna call again,give them the way out,give
them the OK to continue to abuse us,open the door to our sensitivity,our
loving ,our kindness!The door is closed to this confortable place you
have used for so long!It will not be opened again!
Maybe this will help them both to see some day,maybe years from
now,perhaps on their dying beds,perhaps next week that we never owed any
apologies,and perhaps they do!Us always apologizing for feeling bad
about their pain!
The point of this story is to me that perhaps we can all learn
something from this forgiveness exercise;sometimes forgiveness is a good
thing,and usually is,and other times it can be a comodity used up by
selfish others and sometimes may have to be taken away when
abused,like a child with a toy!Sometimes it can come back other times
a sacrifice on our parts?
food for thought
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