Classroom Talk
Winter 2002 Archive
Ah true contrition at last! Posted by eddieellig on February 23, 2002 at 15:54:03:
>Kind Helper: "I've always got to help others, EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T
WANT ME TO.”
Coach, this is my “sleeper” personality type. From being such a rebel
and judge all my life I’ve “hurt” a lot of good, kind, loving, and
innocent people. And in attempting to amend or as reparation to this
fact (harms done) I “Often” find myself playing the roll of Kind
Helper. But as rebellious and judgmental as I ‘naturally’ am
personality wise, my Helper does not show as any to kind at these
times. For there are “many” little “lou’s” that wish to run the
machinery that show up in (appearance only) as the Dictator or Con
Artist. So much so that I have often had to closely scrutinize
my “Play” in regards to these two types. But after close “self-
observation” for some considerable time here of these two types I have
un-challengingly found this to be the case, that I do not play the
Dictator or the Con Artist to any real degree. And so “Kind Helper” is
most definitely the “Con” I was playing in the conversation with
Deirdre the other day, as hidden as it very well had been behind
my “Judge” hurting her for her own good, as to protect her from what ‘I
had presumed’ to be her own naivete. And this places me right square a
top that mountain peering down on Deirdre the lowly helpless child, as
I have accused her of doing to me. Yes, yes and if I spot it (and react
to it from personality) I must have it or at least traces of it within
myself, and in this case truck loads, as it happens to be.
Yes I was being very proud of my work those days; al-be-it with much
mixed emotional content. First of all being sick with diarrhea almost
the entire week before, and home sick with a horrible flue those few
days I had plenty of time to write. It was distracting me from feeling
so ill, and was very good for my quick recovery those days (sleeping
and writing and sleeping and writing often in the wee hours of the
night). Yet while drawing deep from my essence I was being kind-a in
the fog i.e. mechanically making silly little blunders while truly not
being in any hurry about it. Somewhat rebelliously angry about it for
having spoiled the beauty of it all there and knowing it would appear I
was anxious, but in “No Way” being an anxious Believer in any of that.
Sorry Coach I was truly writing those days for “me” in every respect,
and had ‘absolutely’ no need for approval with any of it.
Having just returned home from the funeral of a friend, I had been
being a bit melancholy and reminiscent (or reflective of life) that day
when I had started that “Tiny Boat” piece. Joe had only been 46 years
old. He had gallbladder surgery only a few weeks before, and had
troubles recovering, and the doctor had taken him back into the
hospital to evaluate the situation then released him three days later
not knowing what was really the trouble. When less than a week later he
returned to the emergency room in intense pain. After more tests over
the next couple of days they decided to take some type of a biopsy,
lung I believe? The results came the next day that they found cancer.
Two days later he died. I had not felt a great intimacy with Joe, and
through my life with “many” deaths of loved ones and family through the
years I had not been at all very emotional that day. As earlier in that
same week my cousin had called me to inform me of the senseless murder
of her 24-year-old son. One’s passing simple gives me reason for pause
today, having formed an “extremely” healthy way of experiencing the
death (loss) of another human being today. Of course the closer the
intimacy with the person passing the more intense the pause and sense
of loss i.e. grief. Grief is not a bad experience for me today, but a
positive and healthy natural process of living.
Thus this brings me to the, loss and grief over the death of pieces of
my own false personality today. And it will be extremely adventitious
for me to be awake and cautious of my underling personality patterns in
these regards here now. What comes to mind to me here and likely should
always come to my mind when wishing to be a part of something bigger
than me such as this little class in “Mindfulness”, is “Physician heal
thyself first”. And I will be setting on the edge of my seat like
the “True Believer” that I am, awaiting the “FULL” lesson to Deirdre in
these regards. For I strongly sense they will have tremendous
significance toward my own personal ‘work’ in becoming or being
the “True Healer” I’m meant to be.
Deirdre I honestly never meant to hurt you needlessly, but some where
from my arrogance I had convinced myself that I was “shocking” you for
your own good. But one more time my good intentions have completely
backfired on me. And I would be hard pressed to forgive myself if I had
actually done you any irreversible damage or harm. For I sincerely mean
that I see you as a very “sweet and kindly as well as generous spirit”,
which do not seem to be in large quantity on this earth today. And one
that I may never be able to help, or ever even have needs of my help in
any way; but at least I can learn to refrain from hurting or hindering
you on your path. Damn, why must we always hurt the ones we love and
like the most?
I know this is not exactly what you had in mind Coach, but I will be
sitting with “this” brick for a while now for I own this one, and thank
you.
lou
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